Haunted
by Anika Malfoy
Summary: Severus Snape is tortured by many things. The things he has done, and the things he has seen. The ghost's of the past will never stop haunting him, because he will never let them. He doesn't deserve that peace.


A/N: This story is dedicated to my Hikari, Regulus of Slytherin, because he wanted something depressing to read. And to Linkin Park, because that's what I was listening to that made it possible for me to write this kind of fic.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: Severus Snape remembers his one true friend.

Title: Haunted

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Severus Snape sat outside of the little coffee shop, sipping his warm, black coffee. The day was cold, and windy, whipping Severus's hair into his face. The weather matched his mood. He couldn't go inside now, and face the warm and happy people. He would stay outside, by himself.

Last night had been awful, the worst assignment he had ever been given. He had learned to become indifferent to having to kill…but last night…they hadn't just _killed._ They had mutilated. They had destroyed. Even that child…that beautiful baby girl. They had killed the whole family, and it had nearly killed him. He was sure that it had killed any chance that might have remained of ever being forgiven for his crimes.

He had been the one to kill the child. He had to; he couldn't leave someone so beautiful to the others. They would have been far worse than he was forced to be. They would have enjoyed her pain. They wouldn't be visualizing that face right now, crying out in torture and blood and pain and loneliness and looking at you begging to understand what she had done wrong.

But she hadn't done anything. She was just a child, a child who had been born into the wrong family. She was innocent, and killing her had ripped Severus's soul. In the end, right before those eyes glazed over in death, Severus had seen the hatred in those eyes. That had nearly been his undoing. He had broken the child, taught such an innocent youth to hate; and he knew that he deserved that hate.

Brushing his hair back, Severus took a sip of coffee. He had to stop thinking about it. He had to find a distraction. Severus's eyes swept the street around him, begging the Fates that there would be some distraction. Those haunting eyes were killing him.

Severus's eyes widened as they fell on a familiar head of black hair. The person was facing the other way, but Severus knew that hair. The hair of a Black. The hair of the only person in the world who had ever been a true friend. The hair of the only person he had really ever loved…the only family he ever had. The brother of his soul.

Closing his eyes, Severus damned the Fates as his mind swirled with memories. Severus sighed as the scenes flashed in his mind, like his life was under a strobe light and with every flash of light a new scene would appear.

Regulus was looking up at him, over the potion they were brewing. They had been working on it potion for weeks, and Severus still wasn't sure why the younger boy was helping him. Severus had never been exactly horrible to Regulus, but at that point he had never been kind either. Yet, Regulus was there, helping brew a potion to help Severus with the after effects of the Cruciatus curse.

Flash. It was just after the Christmas holidays, and Regulus was lying in the snow, making a snow angel with Severus glaring down at him, demanding to know what he thought he was doing. With determined eyes, Regulus declared that he was sick of it. Sick of acting like an adult when he was just a child. This war was ruining their childhood, Regulus looked away to hide the tears shining in his eyes. Right now, he was taking a moment back. It wasn't until the next week that Severus had found out that Regulus's brother, Sirius, had run away over the holidays. That Regulus's brother had left him.

Flash. Regulus was crying in an empty classroom, and Severus had his arms wrapped around the boy. Regulus had just become a Death Eater, and he hated it. Severus wanted so much to just take away his friend's pain, but he couldn't. He couldn't even save himself, how was he supposed to save Regulus?

Flash. Regulus was laughing, and Severus was scowling. The Marauders had just charmed Severus's hair pink, and Severus was not amused. Apparently Regulus was though.

Flash. Regulus was reading on the couch, with Severus sitting in an armchair doing his homework. Regulus glanced up and whispered that he considered Severus his brother. Regulus had been blushing, and his eyes were nervous, which had been the only reason that Severus knew Regulus wasn't joking. Severus raised an eyebrow, knowing the younger boy would recognize it as a sign of amusement. Severus looked back at his paper but whispered a question to Regulus, 'Did you think I didn't know that already.' It was the closest he dared to come to saying that he agreed, and Regulus smiled.

Flash. Regulus's eyes, dancing with happiness. Flash. Regulus working. Flash. Regulus visiting Severus's flat. The memories became a whirlpool, trying to pull to Severus in. Time, and order of events didn't matter…the memories were confused and short. Flash. Regulus writhing in pain at a Death Eater meeting, and Severus nearly being driven insane trying to resist the urge to protect the boy. There was nothing he could do that wouldn't get them both killed. Flash. Regulus sleeping on Severus's couch. Flash. Regulus grinning as he opened a Christmas gift. Flash. Regulus turning angry eyes on the Marauders for tormenting Severus. Flash. Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus…

Severus forced the memories down, and went to stand. He needed his friend. He needed those comforting arms around him, needed Regulus's eyes to drown out the eyes of that child. He needed comfort and Regulus was the only one that had ever given him that. Regulus was the only one that thought he deserved it.

Across the street, the person turned. Sirius Black. Not Regulus. Never Regulus. Never again.

One last flash, and Severus knew why; knew why he would never be forgiven, or comforted, or loved, by anyone again.

Flash. Regulus was standing defiantly, glaring at them all. Promising that Voldemort would be defeated. Bellatrix raising her wand and a burst of green light. Regulus hadn't begged for his life. He had stood brave until the end.

Severus closed his eyes. He hadn't saved his friend. Regulus hadn't met his eyes that night. Not once; and Severus thanked the boy every day for that. He would have killed himself if he had forced to be haunted by those eyes too…but Regulus had never blamed him. Regulus had understood that Severus couldn't save him. So Regulus had saved Severus instead, by not looking…by closing his eyes before he died so Severus couldn't see death in his eyes either.

Severus stood and turned away, holding the tears back again. He couldn't cry for his only friend, couldn't cry for anyone. His hurt was too deep for tears. Severus moved his feet, forcing them to take a step, then another; until he was walking fast. He couldn't outrun his memories…couldn't outrun his sins. He wasn't sure that he wanted to.

He deserved these mental scars. After all, he had caused them. He had allowed Regulus to get close. He had chosen to become a Death Eater. He had stood there and done nothing when Regulus was killed. He had tortured, broken, and killed so many…including that child. Severus deserved it all. He deserved his own torture.

Because no one could forgive him now, especially Severus himself.

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A/N: Gah! That was the only story that I've ever written that made me cry! I'm blaming the tears on writing the story at one in the morning. Please Review and let me know what you think. 


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